Supermouse Bred To Beat Cancer

This morning's Google Headline: "Supermouse Bred To Beat Cancer"




We all know for some years now that cancer and scientists have gone at it like two loose pitbulls in a fighting ring. Well, times have changed and scientists are actually using their brains to win the fight this time.



"We, and I speak for the entire scientific community, are sick and tired, no pun intended, of cancer ruling the roost. We've never had the upper hand and for millions of years, cancer has been spreading itself, gaining popularity throughout the entire corporeal hemisphere. Well...we think this time cancer has spread itself a bit too thin." Dr. Don Browning of UniLab Pharmaceuticals said to the press this morning.



Using the latest in genetic technology, Dr. Browning and his team of scientists and goofballs have created a "Supermouse", one which is believed to have the power to beat cancer. All fingers are crossed as the team has no real evidence that a mouse could actually do such a thing. In praise of their efforts, there was much back patting, ass grabbing and hand shaking after the news conference. And yes, they have chosen the popular cartoon character Mighty Mouse as their fictional representative in this battle against one of the leading causes of death in human beings.



"We think Mighty Mouse is kinda...you know...peppy. Plus, he's strong, so we want a strong figure to represent our research. Everything's a bit touch and go right now." Dr. Browning said.



Next week, in lieu of medicine, scratch and sniff stickers of Mighty Mouse holding his mousey chick will be donated to the Make a Wish Foundation.

Tonight's Google Headline: Oprah Launches Channel On YouTube

Tonight's Google Headline: Oprah Launches Channel On YouTube

With over one-million users, YouTube's newest member is no stranger to video-come-lately. Oprah Winfrey, yes, the Oprah, has started her own channel on the Google owned user-generated video website, naming it: Fo-Prah.

The channel was up and running as early as last Tuesday and featured a number of home videos from the multimedia queen including her skateboarding dog, Tweeny, and videos of her husband getting punched in the nuts by her teenage neighbors.

To watch more videos and upload your own video response, click here: Fo-Prah

Tonight's Google Headline: Astronaut fixes torn solar panel

Tonight's Google Headline: Astronaut fixes torn solar panel


Earlier this week, the energy collecting wing on the ISS developed a tear as it extended outward from its housing unit. Lucky for us, astronaut Scott Parazynski hopped on an expandable boom like some sort of space cowboy, armed with a needle and thread and sewed the wing right up.

"It was easy as pie. I was a little bit nervous 'bout riding the boom out to the wing, 'cause you're pretty high up and I was afraid I might fall." Parazynski said.

But Parazynski did not fall. He intricately wove two-hundred and thirty three ion stitches into the broken wing, repairing it to full capacity.

NASA's chief operations engineer, Mike Chummel, speaking from Goddard Space Center told reporters,
"Many of the operations performed on the ISS are done using our robotic repair slaves--er...instruments, but there are times, such as these, where the only method of repair is good old-fashioned hands-on dirty naked work."

After the repair job was completed, Parazynski and the crew relaxed with space ice cream (Spumoni flavored) as well as a few powdered margaritas.

To read more on the story: BBC NEWS

Links to Space Spumoni & Space Margaritas: Stupid Space Food

Tonight's Google Headline: Uganda Rebels Release Peace Dove

Uganda Rebels Release Peace Dove


After months of captivity, Ugandan Rebels finally released Jerry the Peace Dove from a prison camp outside of the Jinja region. Jerry was taken hostage early in May of this year and after months of balked negotiations, failed meetings with tribal leaders and UN Peace talks did the Rebels come to an agreement.

"We are very happy. This is not a victory for Ugandan people, but a victory for peace itself. Jerry is a strong symbol and represents the power of peace within us all." Bugosa's Tribal Leader, Henry Wako Muloki said during an interview with AP reporters this morning.

Jerry the Peace Dove earned his name in 2006 during a USO visit which hosted comedian, actor and muscular dystrophy supporter Jerry Lewis. Mr. Lewis released the dove after finishing his performance, bidding the dove farewell, naming it "Jerry" as it flew into the depths of Ugandan territory.

Mr. Lewis was available for comment and had this to say to our reporters, “A woman doing comedy doesn't offend me, but sets me back a bit, ... I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world. What the fuck is this dove you're talking about? I don't know fuck about shit about it.”

For more on this story: BBC NEWS

Graveyards Still Filled with Dead People

Graveyards Still Filled With Dead People

According to a recent study, a majority of America’s graveyards still have a lot of dead people in them.

“Humans are living longer, living healthier, and when they die, they stay in the ground a lot longer,” said Dale Weiner, grounds supervisor for St. Mary’s Cemetery in Potsdam, NY. One major concern for residents is where newly dead people are going to be buried. “They’re just gonna have to burn ‘em.” Mr. Weiner says.

Seeking alternatives to forced cremation, residents in Bangor, Maine have created the Yahoo Group, Bury Share, where you, or a loved one can sign up for co-operative shared grave plots. “I don’t mind, I guess. As long as I’m dead, put me in there with whoever” says Barbara Raines, 79. Her husband Daniel Raines, 82, feels differently. “I always thought I’d live and die beside my wife. My family has had a plot here for years and I plan on dying in it.” As Americans live longer and the dead decompose with less rapidity, individuals may have to consider alternative forms of burial such as Bury Share.

Apple Ready to Set Leopard Free

This evening's Google Headline: Apple Ready to Set Leopard Free


Not only the global leader in computer sales, Apple Computers and Steve Jobs, CEO, in 1991 initiated: L.A.M.E. (Let Animals Manumit Excitedly), an endangered species protect and release program. Two days ago, Apple announced it is ready to release its most recent member of the program, Leopard, back into the wild. This particular Leopard, native to the slopes of Palo Alto, California, is one of five remaining from a Jaguar beta-version.

"We're very excited for Leopard. We think she is going to make a big impact on the world and naturally, on our hearts. Each animal that we release has distinct characteristics that are unique and we take pride in their individuality, although, from a user standpoint, they are all, yes, part of the same family." Mr. Jobs said Thursday.

If the reaction to Leopard's release goes as anticipated, Apple may push up the unveiling of their latest in the protected species program: Jackass.

Penn Station Toilet Upgrade Adds Smiles

Tonight's "Google" Headline: Penn Station Toilet Upgrade Adds Smiles

Not more than a month ago did the Port Authority of New York's Penn Station acquire six barely-used toilets from the International Space Station and tonight, in an unprecedented event led by Mayor Michael Bloomberg's official plumber, Vic Nahem, were these remarkable and state of the art machines put into official use.

"These are gonna change the way people go to the bathroom. I mean, literally. They do all the sucking and zoomin' and stuffin' that normal toilets can't do," Mr. Nahem said of the machines.

Mayor Bloomberg's office issued this press release which was read at the unveiling:

"There is something to be said about this city when we can get the best of the best. Throughout history, we've looked to the starry heavens for many, many reasons. Who would have thought we would be looking to them for toilets?"

The six toilets from the International Space Station were decommissioned last year after routine difficulty with cleaning schedules and administrative decisions which allowed astronauts to wear diapers in and out of orbit.

The toilets do not come free however. Each use will cost around fifty-cents, which will go to cleaning an upkeep. Approximately 18.5 million was set aside for this project but it has had no effect on the lingering urine and bleached ca-ca smell emanating from stalls nearby. After these toilets have been given a 'test-run', additional toilets similar to these may be in the works for additional locations throughout the city, a spokesperson said.

Palestines Riot in Israel Jail

This evening's Google Headline: "Palestines Riot in Israel Jail"

"This is just not how we imagined things would be. We are used to different things in our prisons and we had only imagined that prisons elsewhere would and should be like ours" said one prisoner of the conditions in the Israeli prisons."

Outside of the daily torturing and starvation that occurs here in a prison near Ramallah, two gentleman, [pictured right] preferring to remain anonymous although perfectly fine with their photographs being published, have taken it upon them to make sure that prisoners here begin to have the rights they deserve.

"First off, there's no weights, no gym. We wanna look good just like everyone else. It's not like we're pumping up to beat up the guards or anything. Although, that's not a bad idea."

"Cable TV too. We are so deprived to begin with as citizens, being informed through cable TV, comedy central, and the Oxygen Network will help rehabilitate our prisoners and have them back safely to our country. Many of these prisoners are being held for no apparent reason. The least that could be done is give them some decent food. McDonald's is good. Real good."

The unidentified but pictured lawyers have seen some progress to their work: 2 year old Alysha, a Palestinian girl was released from prison last year, although there still remains some question about her crimes, namely: Drooling a bit, Giggling, and being totally cute. Her mother still remains in prison.

The riots which happened earlier this week were in response to the prisoners not being able to have 'Kickball Saturday's' and 'Movie Mondays'. Oh, also something about Israeli guards shooting rubber bullets at the prisoners for no reason and some other hub-bub that hurt a lot of people.

All told, much work here is still required to find peace between these two warring nations. And with the help of these photographed and nameless lawyers, perhaps the appropriate steps have been put in motion.

For more on this story: BBC NEWS

Pope decries 'religious' violence

Tonight's Google headline: Pope decries 'religious' violence.

"We [team Heaven] got down there [to Hell] a couple of times and hurt ourselves [bruised wings], which is somewhat frustrating [sacrifice]. We have got to get better at protecting the quarterback [Jesus].

"Being a senior, I hope I am one of our go-to guys. I just try to keep making plays [God's handiwork]. Every game in this league [Heaven] is a must-win. Tonight, we won, but the defense [Angels & Saints] definitely saved out butts. To tell you the truth, I'm not that happy right now. I think we let a good opportunity [conversion] slip away.

"Ultimately [Day of Reckoning] it comes down to not being able to run the football [The Bible]. We're just not playing good enough.

"He [Jesus] has a tremendous arm and his receivers [the Apostles] make nice catches. He is a good player, and is a great threat running the ball."

"We played hard, just not hard enough [Old Testament] ... We need to break the culture of losing around here [Vengeance of God]."

Oh, and Pope Benedict decries that religion should never be vehicles for hatred and violence. Thanks for the update, Ben, but I think you're a bit late with that one.

JK Rowling Outs Dumbeldore as Gay

JK Rowling, on a book tour, announced yesterday, to a packed audience at New York's Carnegie Hall, that one of her characters, Hogwart's headmaster, Dumbeldore....is Gay. That's right...Gay. Apparently, the audience in attendance "gasped then applauded". They were just so plum happy that Dumbeldore was out of the closet and able to fully enjoy his life as a fictional homosexual character.

A number of other fictional characters in attendance, namely Roger & Jessica Rabbit (currently undergoing divorce proceedings), Tweety Bird, and the series own, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, and Harry Potter gave praise to Dumbeldore.

"It's an extremely brave, bold move for professor Dumbeldore to come out. I've known he was a little queer from day one, but attributed his eccentricities to Hogwart's environment. It's a very open, expressive venue, and I'm just glad we can all be as fictionally expressive as possible." Ron Weasley said of Dumbeldore.

Severus Snape, had an alternative point of view on Dumbeldore's news. "I think he's trying to get attention. It's no mystery to everyone at Hogwart's that the man liked to pinch a bit of ass here and there. We just turned a blind eye because Dumbeldore was in charge of payroll. So what! He's a gay wizard! I'm evil...you don't hear me touting that around as if it's a milestone."

All told, the announcement by Ms. Rowling is definitely big news. Gay rights activists hope this is a step in the right direction for fictional gay characters.

A link to the original article: BBC News